
The Little Red Mare. 




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THE LITTLE RED MARE 



at farce in <©nc ^tt 



By O. E. young 

AUTI*OK OF "BACK FROM THE PHILIPPINES," "RIDING THE GOAT/ 
AND MANY OTHERS 



Copyright, 1908, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION' 

successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 Vesey St, New:York 



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7 



TMPS2-007605 



THE LITTLE RED MARE, 

CHARACTERS 

Kennison Keene An Old Farmer, very deaf, 

M'CullisPepperill, . . A City Dude, in love with Keene' s 

da lighter. 
Bob Pease, . , A horse-dealer in pursuit of the " Little Red 
Mare. 

Scene. — A Kitchen in Keene's Farmhouse. 

i'lME OF Representation.— About thirty-five minutes. 

COSTUMES 

Kennison Keene. — A^e 55. Lank, sunburned and very awk- 
ward. Has red hair, worn long and unkempt, a fringe of scraggy 
red skiggers around under chin, and huge, brass-bowed spectacles. 
Wears a brown drilling frock, much faded, blue drilling overalls, 
very short in the leg, a blue and white checked gingham shirt, no 
collar, and has a red bandanna knotted about his throat. Also red 
woollen stockings and huge, clumsy low shoes or brogans, badly 
trodden over and guiltless of grease or blacking. Puts on a bat- 
tered straw hat on leaving stage, and turns his toes out when he 
walks. 

M'CULLIS Pepperill. — Age 22. Tall, slim and sallow, with 
very prominent Roman nose, a slight pale yellow mustache, and 
hair of the same color, worn very long and parted in the middle. 
Has on eyeglasses. He appears very timid and somewhat simple, 
and has a trick of holding his mouth slightly open when not speak- 
ing; he also has gloves on and does not know what to do with his 
hands. He wears a dark suit, very tight, the double-breasted coat 
cut square and scarcely reaching hips, being tightly buttoned. Has 
on a very high standing collar, a brilliant-hued wide silk scarf tied 
in a great bow, and white cuffs down over his knuckles. Also 
wears a little round cap on the back of his head and very long', 
pointed patent leather shoes. Walks " kangaroo " and lisps badly. 

3 



4 The I^ittle Red Mare. 

Bob Pease. — Age 35. Short, stout and red-faced, with an enor- 
mous stomach. Has black hair, cut short, and a huge black mus- 
tache, fiercely waxed. Wears a rather light brown suit, checked 
off into great squares by black stripes almost half an inch wide, with 
the cutaway coat worn open. Has on a white shirt and white turn- 
down collar, with a flaming red tie. Wears an enormous gold 
chain across his vest front, with corresponding large horseshoe 
charm, a big " diamond " on his little finger and another in his 
necktie, and a tall silk hat. Carries a thick black walking-stick 
with a gold head. Has a swaggering gait and the manner of a 
sport. 

PROPERTIES 

Table, and dishes, etc., to lay for one, including coffee-pot, pep- 
per-box, etc. ; old-fashioned blunderbuss ; big revolver and stout 
cane for Bob ; other furniture such as might be found in a country 
kitchen. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience ; R.. 
means right-hand, L. left-hand, and C. centre of stage ; C. D. door 
in centre of flat. Up, toward rear of stage ; Down, toward foot- 
lights. 



THE LITTLE RED MARE. 



SCENE. — A kitchen. Doors R. and in flat ; small table set for 
one with dishes, coffee-pot, pepper-box, etc., L. C, about two 
thirds back ; old-fashioned blunderbuss hanging 07t wall L. 
of door in flat ; chairs ivith such other furnishings as might 
be found in a country farmhouse, Kennison Keene DIS- 
COVERED seated R. of table. 

Kennison. That little mare the city feller is gittin' pastured 
here is a pooty slick animile. She'd make a mighty nice present 
fer my darter Nellie when she comes hum, 'cause the mare's name 
is Nellie, tew, an' both on 'em hev got red hair. Wisht I owned 
her. Mebbe I will yit ; her owner said I might hev her for an even 
hundred, pervided a feller he'd send daown ter see her ter-day 
wouldn't gin any more fer her. He won't, not ef he swallers the 
settin'-eout I'll gin the mare when he gits here, 'cause Kennison 
Keene knows a good boss when he sees it, an' a good bargain, tew. 
Wonder w^har the feller is ? 

ENTER M'CuLLis Pepperill, r. 

M'CULLIS. Good mawning, thir. 

Kennison [hand to ear). Hay? 

M'CULLIS {louder). I thaid good mawning. 

Kennison {hand to ear). Speak right eout, Mister; don't 
mumble so. 

M'CULLIS. Mumble? Gweat Joopiter ! My chawming Nellie 
nevaw told me her paternal pwogenitor wath deafaw than an 
addaw. {To Kennison, very loud.) Good mawning. 

Kennison. What ails ye, Mister ? Lungs weak ? 

M'CULLIS {roaring, hand to mouth). I thaid it wath a good 
mawning. 

Kennison. Yaas, I know 'tis. What on it ? 

M'CULLIS {aside). Heaventh ! How ith a fellaw going to 
pwopothe for a man'th daughtaw when the man can't heaw it 
thundaw ? 

5 



^ 



6 The I/ittle Red Mare. 

Kennison {impatiently'). Wall, what is it ye want? Speak 
up, naow, 'cause yeVe got sech a 'mazin' weak voice I couldn't 
understand a thing ef I wasn't mighty quick o' hearin'. 

M'CULLIS {aside). Quick of heawing ! He hathn't any more 
hole thwough his earth th^n a potash kettle hath. ( To KENNISON, 
very loud.) Are you Mither Kennithon Ke^ne ? 

Kennison {hand to ear). Hay? 

M'CULLis (hafid to mouth, roaring). Am I addwethin Ken- 
nithon Keene ? 

Kennison {angrily). No, sir — an' ye hadn't better try ondres- 
sin' him nuther. 

M'CULLIS {roaring). I mean are you Kennithon Keene? 

Kennison. Sartin. Who be yeou ? 

M'CULLIS {very loud). I am Mithtaw M'Cullith Peppewill, 
thir. 

Kennison {hand to ear). Who ? 

M'CULLIS {roaring). M'Cullith Peppewill. 

Kennison. Gosh ! What a name ter go ter bed tew ! Don't 
it gin ye the nighthoss sometimes ? 

M'CULLIS {angrily). Blawtht the old gwanger ! I wish it 
wath wight to kick one'th paw-in-lavv that ith to be. 

Kennison {hand to ear). What d'ye say? I seenyermaouth 
wiggle, but I couldn't understand nothin'. 

M'CULLIS {very loud). I thaid my name wath M'Cullith Peppe' 
will. 

Kennison. Yaas ; I understood that. Say ! Ef ye don't 
wrop yer neck up nights in red flannel an' skunk's ile ye'U lewse 
yer voice intirely one o' these days. 

M'CULLIS {aside). More likely I'll butht it bellowing down that 
clamshell thtuck on the thide of hith head. 

Kennison {getting up and placing a chair c). Hev a seat, 
Mister Portcullis Mackerel. 

M'CULLIS {angrily, very loud). No, no. M'Cullith Peppe-* 
will. 

Kennison {testily). Wall, wall! don't git huffy 'baout it. 
What's the difference atween Portcullis Mackerel an' M'Cullia 
Pickerel ? Hain't both on 'em fishes? 

M'CULLIS {7naki7ig face, aside)'. Won't I have a blethed time 
athking the conthent of my paw-in-law that ith to be when he hath 
no more ear-dwum than a thtone hitching-potht ? 

Kennison {hospitably). Set daown. Mister; no marter what 
yer name is — only stop yer whisperin' fer goodness' sake ! 

M'CULLIS {aside). Whispewing ! I'm glad my chawming 
Nellie wathn't born twinth, becauthe one pwepothal ith enough. 
{Sits.) ^ 

Kennison {bringing another chair c). Wall, what kin I de\V 
fer ye. Mister M'Ginty's Whipperwill ? 

M'CULLIS («j/^^). Oh! As if M'Cullith Peppewill were that 



The I^ittle Red Mare. 7 

kind of awoothter! I wish I had a megaphone. (TI^Kennison, 
very loud). I want to mawwy your daughtaw, Nellie. 

K EN N I SON {sittittg, putting ha7id to ear). Hay? Ye'r whis- 
perin' agin. 

M'CULLIS {aside). He'th deafer than an old haddock. {Des- 
perately, very loud). I want to mawwy your daughtaw. 

Kennison. Carry me water .^ What for? Thar's a pump 
right in the shed. 

WC\]hi.\s {still jnore desperately). No, no, no. I ihsy {belloW' 
ing). I — want — Nellie. 

Kennison. Gosh! {Jimipitig up and going i.., aside^ This 
is the feller arter the little red mare, but he talked so pesky low I 
clean forgot 'baout her. I'll gin him sech a drive he'll think he 
never wanted a boss an' dunno what they was invented fer. {Re^ 
turns c, to M'CULLIS). So ye want Nellie, dew ye? {Sits 
again). 

M'CULLIS {loud). To be sure I do. 

Kennison {putting ha fid to ear). Hay ? 

M'CULLIS {nodding head violently). Yes, yes, yes. 

Kennison. I don't b'lieve it. 

M'CULLIS ( starting up , a ngrily) . T h i r ! 

Kennison {putting hand on his shoulder). Thar! thar! 
Don't git huffy agin. Set daown an' let yer hair curl, Mister 
McPoultice Cuttermill. (BOTH sit). Ye think ye want her, but I 
know ye don't. Dew ye understand the critter's dispersition ? 

M'CULLIS {i.vith enthusiasm, loud). She 'th an angel. * 

YiY.-H^X'&O^ {hand to ear). Hay? A which ? 

M'CULLIS {roaring). An angel. 

Kennison. That's all yeou know 'baout it. She's a red- 
haired little divil ; that's what she is. 

M'CULLIS {angrily). Her hair ithn't wed ; it'th auburn. 

Kennison. Hay? 

M'CULLIS {shouting). Her hair ith auburn. 

Kennison. Wall, hev it yer own way ; call it sunburn ef ye 
want tew. It won't fade her hair eout none nor help her dispersi- 
tion any. 

M'CULLIS {surprised). Ith her dithpothithion tho bad ? 

Kennison, Hay? 

M'CULLIS {roaring). Ith — her — dithpothithion tho bad ? 

Kennison. Sartin. She'd run erway with ye the very fust 
chance she got. 

M'CULLIS {aside). I weally think she would, she loveth me 
tho. ( To Kennison, very loud.) Don't wowwy, Mithter Keene; 
I'll withk that. 

Kennison {hand to ear). Hay ? 

M'CULLIS {bellowing). I'll withk it. 

Kennison. Quite 'frisky ? I should say so. She's run away 
with three different men a'ready. 



8 The I^ittle Red Mare. 

M'CULLIS {horrified). Gweat Joopiter! I should think she 
ivath fwithky ! 

Kennison. 'Twas a sad case 'baout the last one. He'd jest 
sent his wife off visitin' when Nellie run away with him, an' when 
she shook him off an' cleared herself she left the poor feller piled 
up in the ditch wdth his back eenamost broke. 

M'CULLIS {jwnpmg tip in constertiation and goi7ig R.). Can 
it be my chawming Nellie ith thuch a cweature } 

Kennison {watching him, aside). I got him good an' skeered. 
{Chuckles^ Naow ter keep him goin'. {To M'CULLIS.) Come 
back an' set daown, Mister McWillis Pepperhull. Ye do' know 
half the little beast's failin's yit. 

M'CULLIS. What! {Turns hastily and goes back Q^. Hath 
she more bad twickth ? 

Kennison. Hay } 

M'CULLIS {shouting). More bad twickth ? 

Kennison. Four bedticks ? What's four bedticks ter dew 
with Nellie ? 

M'CULLIS {desperately, very loud). No, no, no. {Aside, waving 
hands wildly^ Oh, I'd wathaw have a wooden Indian for a paw- 
in-law ! He'd heaw more and thay leth. (71? Kennison, /^^//fw- 
ing.) Hath she any more bad twickth ? {Screeching^ More — 
twickth ? 

Kennison. Tricks ! Why, Mister Powdermill ! the fust thing 
yeou know she'll kick yer stummick eout. 

M'CULLIS. Gwaciouth Heaventh ! {Clasps hands and collapses 
in chair ^ 

Kennison {chuckling with delight, aside). Hain't I gittin* 
him skeered ! {To M'CULLIS, clapping hiin on the back.) Brace 
up. Mister Cornwallis Puppytail ! Thank yer lucky stars I've ben 
honest enough ter tell ye the little critter's failin's afore ye get the 
trade all made. Some men would hev told ye anything ter git red 
of a vixen like Nellie. 

M'CULLIS {very loud). You thay she will kick ? Nellie will 
kick ? 

Kennison {positively). Yaas, sir/ I seen her kick the hat 
right off my hired man's head onest an' never faze him. She let 
her nigh foot fly six inches over the top o' his head. 

M'CULLIS {throwing up haiids and falling back ijt chair. 
Aside). Nigh foot ! I should thay tho ! Altogethaw too nigh ! 
{To Kennison, 7Jery loud.) What had Nellie got againtht the 
hired man ? {/^oaring.) Againtht the hired man ? 

Kennison. Nothin', I told ye — but she tried her dingedest ter 
git her foot agin him. 

M'CULLIS {dum/ounded, loud). Wha-wha-what did the hired 
man do to awouthe Nellie'th wath ? 

Kennison {hand to ear). Hay ? Speak eout. Don't fergit 
that red flannel an' skunk's ile ; yer voice is all gone agin. 



The lyittle Red Mare. 9 

M'CULLIS {roaring). What did— the man— do— to make— her 

angwy ? r . • i 

Kennison. Nothin', that I know on. He was kinder young 
an' green an' wan't used ter handlin' sech critters, an' mebbe she 
felt enkimmen techy. 

M'CULLIS {horror-stricken). Heaventh ! 

Kennison. I s'pose she didn't exactly feel like hevin' a man 
Vaound jest then. {Cheerfully.) Nellie hain't allers taken that 
way, though. 

M'CULLIS {aside). I should think not— if she hath wun away 
with thwee of them ! ( To KENNISON, very loud.) Wath anybody 
hurt more ? . 

Kennison. Hay? Throw eout yer chist an' git some wind in 
it, an' then try £*n' speak eout laoud. 

M'CULLIS {bellowing). Wath anybody hurt more ? 

Kennison. Anybody's shirt tore } 

M'CULLIS {shaking head). No, no, no. {Roaring.) Did she— 
evaw hurt — anybody — more ? 

Kennison. Oh ! Say ! it'd be a terrible pity ef ye lost yer 
voice intirely, wouldn't it ?— Yaas ; Nellie hurt me more. 

M'CULLIS {loud). What? Her own pawent ; all the fathaw 
she evaw had— and more fathaw than anybody elthe would evaw 

want! 1- 1 u A 

Kennison {shaking head in conuniseration). Sech a littie thread 
of a voice I I'm 'fraid you're not long for this world. 

M'CULLIS {bellowing). How did— Nellie— hurt you ? 

Kennison. She bit me. 

M'CULLIS {in a yell, springing to feet in amazejnent). Bit 

you ? , 

Kennison. Yep! Right here on my laig. {Indicating:) Its 
a wonder I didn't hev the Ida Phoebe, Mister Pepperpill. 

M'CULLIS {aside, droppifig back in chair). It'th more of a 
wondaw that she didn't. 

Kennison. Ye see I was takin* some bran-mash and carrots 
eout ter the keow, an' Nellie was mad 'cause I wouldn't gin her 
any ; so she bit me when I went by her. 

M'CULLIS {horrified, very loud). Bwan-mash and cawwoth ! 
Nellie won't eat thothe, will she ? , 

Kennison. Sartin. She's that dainty she won't eat nothin 
else. Ef yeou git her that's what ye'U hev ter feed her on. 

M'CULLIS {aside). A pleathant pwothpect, I mutht thay ! 
Jutht to think of having a wife who won't eat anything but bwan- 
mash and cawwoth ! 

Kennison. I can't blame the critter though, cause her teeth are 
so poor she can't eat much else. 

M'CULLIS {thunderstruck). Teeth poor? Wh-why— (^'^O' 
loud) her fwont ones look all wight. 

Kennison. Oh, yaas ; they're pooty fair, but she can t chaw 



10 ^lie I/ittle Red Mare. 

with them an* her back ones is all gone. Jest ye pull her maouth 
open an' take a peek in ; ye'll find she's got only tew or three old 
snags in back. Look eout while ye'r dewin' it, though, 'thout ye've 
got a few laigs ter spare. 

M'CULLIS {aside). The ideaw of pulling my Nellie'th mouth 
pen! (r^KENN 
when she bit you } 

Kennison. Wall, I guess so ! She tuck a hunk eout o' me an' 
my trowsis as big as a butternut. It growed up in a couple o' 
months, but my pants was spiled. 

M'CULLIS {aside 7nour7iftdIy). Oh, what a dweadful ending to 
love'th bwight, golden dweam ! The girl mutht be dewanged. 
( To Kennison, very loud.) Say ; do you think Nellie'th mind 
ith thound ? 

Kennison {/lajtd to ear). Hay ? 

M'CULLIS (^^7?£///;7cr). Is she — thound — in mind? 

Kennison. Saound berhind? In course not. She's got a 
spavin on both hind laigs. 

M'CULLIS {ditmfoimded). Th-thpavinth ? Gweat Joopitaw ? 

Kennison. Mebbe ye know haow ter take 'em off, though. 

M'CULLIS {hastily). No, no ; {Shaking head, loud.) I don't. 

Kennison. No ? Jest yeou let 'em erlone, then. Never go 
ter foolin' with things ye don' know nothin' 'baout. 

y\:Q.\5\.\.\'Sy {hastily, shaking head). I won't. {Very loud) Ith 
that all that ailth her? 

Kennison. No ; there's suthin' the marter with her for'ard. 
She can't seem ter strike eout much. 

M'CULLIS {aside). I should hope not ! A girl that can kick a 
man'th hat off don't need to stwike out much. 

Kennison. The fact is she's chistfounded, but not more'n half 
the folks in taown ever seed it. 

M'CULLis {waving hands wildly). Oh ! oh ! oh ! I should 
hope not! 

Kennison. Ef ye dew conclude ter take Nellie, Mister Mc- 
Foolish Paowdermill, jest ye take old Kennison Keene's advice. 
{Confidentially patting him on shoulder.) Gin her an almighty 
close o' popple bark. 

M'Cullen {dumfoimded, loud). Popple bark? 

Kennison {ha7id to ear). Hay ? 

M'CULLIS {shoutijig). What mutht I give her popple bark for? 

Kennison. Puppy bark for? {Looking around.') I hain't 
got no dawg ; ye must hev beared suthin' else. 

M'CULLIS {roaring). What shall I give her bark for? {Bel- 
lowing.) Give — Nellie — bark — for ? 

Kennison. Oh ! that's what ye want ter know. Wall, I'll tell 
ye. It's jest like this— (6;/^/^^?;//j/.) Say ! couldn't ye never talk 
eout laoud like other folks ? 

M'CULLIS {half frantic waving hands in desperation). Never 



The IVittle Red Mare. (i 

mind me ! {Very loiid.) Why doeth my Nellie need thebgrk? 
{Roaring.) Need the bark ? 

Kennison. Wall, I'll tell ye, Mister Pimplebill. {Putting 
/land on his shoulder, co7ifidentially.') She's got worms. 

M'CULLIS {leaping to feet). What? 

Kennison. It's a fact. Had 'em ever sence she was a two- 
year-old. Mister Purplebill. 

M'CULLIS {aside, wildly). I cannot believe it. I'll wush to my 
chawming Nellie and learn the twuth. {Hurries R.) 

Kennison {rising). Hold on. Mister Pepperknoll. What's 
yer hurry ? What ye goin' ter dew ? 

M'CULLIS {turning at door, loud). I cawn't thtand any more. 
I shall go to my Nellie. 

Kennison {/land up). Hay ? Dew what ? 

M'CULLIS {very loud). Go to my Nellie. {Shouting.) Go to 
Nellie, Mithtaw Keene. {Bellowing?^ Go to Nell. 

Kennison {enraged). Don't yeou swear at me. Mister Peeper- 
full. Go thar yerself an' see haow ye like it. Git eout o' here on 
the double-quick, or I'll knock that same place eout o' ye, ef I dew 
belong ter the meet'n'-haouse. {Ad7>ancing flourishing fists). 
Mizzle, Mister McPalace Kittlefull, afore I lam ye. 

M'CULLIS {aside terrified). Oh ! oh ! If I thtop to pwopothe 
for the gwanger'th daughtaw, the gwanger'll kill me, and if I don't 
the gwanger'th daughtaw will. No mattaw ! I won't give up my 
chawming Nellie if she hath wun away with evewy man in the 
plathe, and kicked their thtomacth out afterward with thothe thame 
thpavined 1 — 1 — Oh, my ! {Stops suddenly.) Good-bye, old had- 
dock ! ( Very loud). I'm going to Nell. [EXIT hastily R. 

Kennison {stopping at doo?-). Going to — {Pauses). Wall, 1 
guess he is onless he stops short in his ongodly career. {Return* 
ing C.) He won't need no little red mare ter haul him thar, 
nuther. Haw, haw, haw. {Laughs). Didn't I gin Nellie a 
recommend, though } She's mine at a hundred dollars. {Look" 
ingoflYL.). Hullo! Thar comes the free rooral delivery man an' 
he's puttin' a letter in my box. (EXIT R. and comes in with letter 
a moment later.) I b'lieve it's my darter's writin'. {Looking at 
it.) Wonder what she wants naow. {Opens it and reads.) "Dear 
Pa : You will be surprised to learn your little girl wants to get 
married, but I've found a young man in the city here, and oh ! he's 
such a love ! He'll be down to ask you for me this very day, al- 
most as soon as this letter, and you must encourage him a lot or 
he'll get frightened and run away, because he is so bashful. Don't 
let that happen. Pa dear, or you'll lose a rich son-in-law, and my 
lieart will be broken. I'm coming home to-night and see how 
things come out. Your loving daughter, Nellie. {Speaks.) "By 
tunkett ! That little red-headed gal o' mine has ketched a rich 
beau an' wants me ter help her git spliced ter him ! Gosh ! hain't 
she smart ? 'Course I'll incourage him I NeDie shall hev her bash» 



12 ^lie I^ittle Red Mare. 

ful beau — an' I'll hev the red mare an' gin it tew *em for a weddin* 
present. 

ENTER Bob Pease, r. 

Bob. Are you Kennison Keene ? 

Kennison {not hearing). Trust me ter git over the bad spots 
when thar's a bargain ter be made. Ef the red-headed little vixen 
don't change hands pooty soon it won't be my fault. 

Bob {aside, suspiciously). Eh I I wonder if he means the little 
red mare. 

Kennison. That feller needn't be a mite afeared ; he'll git 
Nellie all right. I'll praise her sky-high when he gits erlong. 

Bob. You will, eh } I'll look out for you, my deaf old de- 
ceiver. {Loud.) Say! {Punching him with cane.) Are you 
Kennison Keene? 

Kennison {Jumping and clapping hand to place}. Gosh! 
( Turning a?igrily.) Who be yeou, an' what ye pokin' beanpoles 
in my back for } {Rubs it.) 

Bob {very loud). Are you Kennison Keene? 

Kennison (/m;z^//^ mr). Hay? 

Bob {roaring). Are you Kennison Keene? 

Kennison {crossly). Sartin I am. Anything ter say agin it? 

Bob {loud). Notaword. 

Kennison, Then who be yeou ? 

Bob. Bob Pease. 

Kennison. Knock-knees? {Looking closely.) They be kind 
o' crooked, hain't they ? 

Bob {roari?ig). No, no. Bob Pease. 

Kennison. Oh ! What d'ye want o' me, Mister Pease ? 

Bob {very loud). I came to see about the sorrel, Mr. Keene. 
{He does ?tot understand, shouting.) The sorrel. 

Kennison {jwt comprehending). The sorrel ? 

Bob {loud). Sure. Nellie, you know. ( Very loud.) Nellie. 

Kennison. Oh! Nellie. {Aside.) It's her beau. Naow ter 
gin him sech a incouragin' he'll think he's married a'ready. ( To 
Bob, offering chair.) Hev a seat. Mister Pease. 

Bob {sitting). Thank you. {Loud.) Is she still in the market ? 
{Shouting.) Is Nellie in the market ? 

Kennison. Nellie gone a-sparkin' ? Haw, haw, haw. 
{^Laughing,) Wall, I reckon suthin on that line, 'cordin' ter 
what I hear. {Aside.) Ef this thing warn't rich, I shouldn't 
break many hearts' over him ef I was Nellie — 'thout I wanted his 
pants for a checker-board. 

Bob {aside). What does the old fool mean? {Shouting,) 
Can I make a bargain, — for Nellie ? 

Kennison {suspiciously, aside). He doesn't look rich 'nough 
ter keep a yaller dawg in good style ; I must saound him an' see 



Tlie I/ittle Red Mafe. 13 

thar's no mistake. {Comes C and sits by Bob.) Got the cash, 

Mister Beans? 

Bob {angrily, very loud). Mr. Pease. r- . .v,^ ^.cK 

Kennison. All right; Mister Pease, then. Got the cash. 

BOB {ioiid\. Loads of it, man. Just took the sweepstake. 
Kennison. Cook a beef-steak I What's that got ter dew 

^%(^''{alide). An almighty lot, I reckon, these days ( T^ 
Kennison, very loud.) Proves a man a millionaire don t it 

KENNISON {laughing). Haw. haw. haw. Pooty nigh ; pooty 
n\gh {Aside!; NelUvasright; he's rich. He shall be my son- 

'^t^iV::^^^^^: Well! well! {Very loud.) On what 
terms can I have Nellie? MJct.*,- 

KENNISON {smiling affably). Any tarms ye like, Mistei 
Corns —as long" as ye take her off my hands. ,,,,,. , 

BOB ^urprfsed, Iside). What in thunder is old Whiskers up 
to ? He's off before the word go. There's a kink about the httle 
mare somewhere and I must find out what it is. {To KENNISON, 
very loud.) Is Nellie fast ? Fast ? . ^, . .u * fV,^ 

KENNISON. Fast? Bless yer soul, no! She s baout the 
slowest thing ye ever see fer a shemale. 
V.OB {very lotcd). Then I won't take her. 
Kennison {dumfounded). Wha-what! Why i* 
Bob {loud). Because she isn't fast. 

KENNISON. Gosh! {Aside.) Reckon he ^... need incourag- 
in' Fust man I ever see that wanted his wife ter be last. 
BOB {loud). If she wasn't so slow, I might want her. 
KENNISON {aside). I must smooth that over er weU lose 
him, proputty an' all. ( To Bob, confidentially) Wall naow I 11 
tell ye. Mister Oats; she hain't so almighty slow arter all. Be- 
tween yeou an' me an' the taown pump, when Nellie once gits 
started she can jest go along some. 

BOB {aside). Changed his tune, eh ? That s better, but there 
must be something wrong about her somewhere, (r^ Ken 
NISON. very loud.) Are her knees sprung ? 

KENNISON {surprised). Bees stung? What? 
BOB {aside, impatiently). J\^oM '■'^''^^^l ^""^^t,^^^^^ 
than that with his nose ; it's big enough, {To KENNISON, shout 
in^.) Are her knees sprung ? Her knees? 

Yennison. Whose knees? Oh, yaas ; I ^^"^^^-rber NeU^ 
did walk intew a hornet's nest oncet when she was a little critter 
an' they more'n peppered 'em, but they re all right naow 

BobW^.). So far, so good. {To Kennison,/./.^.) Does 
^he switch her tail much ? {Shouting) Switch? 
* Kennison {surprised) Nellie never had none 
Y>0^ {roaring). Does she switch her tail ? Her tail? 



14 the I^ittle Red Mart. 

Kennison {bewildered). Her— her tail? Nellie switch her 
tail? 

Bob. Sure. {Very loud.) Won't have no critter around me 
that keeps her tail a-flying. 

Kennison {aside). He knows 'baout that longtailed dress 
she wore tew the Masons' ball. He's heard everything an' that 
pesky train is goin' ter spile the match 'thout I kin dew suthin. 
( To Bob.) No, sirree ! Never knowed her ter hev no conveni- 
ences fer switchin' 'ceptin' that one evenin'. I soon broke her o' 
that foolishness, Mister Barley. 

Bob {angrily, very loud). Pease. 

Kennison. Oh, yaas; I fergot, but I knew 'twas suthin 
growed in the graound. Hain't barley jest as good a crop as 
pease ? 

Bob {aside). Might suit a hen better, but it don't me. ( Very 
loud.) Does Nellie ever strike ? 

Kennison {amazed) Strike ? No. Ef she'd ever struck me 
the jade 'd faound I'd hev struck back. 

Bob {very loud). I mean interfere. {Bellowing.) Does she 
ever interfere ? 

Kennison. Never interfered with me, an* I don't b'lieve she 
will with yeou — {aside) ef ye allers gin her her own way. 

Bob {loud). Does she shy ? 

Kennison. Hay? 

Bob {shouting). Does she shy ? 

Kennison. Shy? No. Jest kind o' modest, Mister Wheat. 

Bob {aside). Mr. Wheat ! He'll call me squashes and pump- 
kins next. ( To Kennison, loud.) Is she afraid of autos ? 

Kennison. Ef ye git her, jest look eout she don't climb inter 
the fust one she sees an' try ter run it herself, — that's all. 

Bob {aside). Hm ! Believe I'd rather the mare would be a 
little afraid. 

Kennison. When it comes ter bisuckles, Mr. Greens. Nellie's 
right on her Ebenezer. I went ter taown with her one day an' 
there was one leanin* agin the curbstun right whar I hitched, — 
the fust one she ever see. I went in tew a store and left her on 
the street a minute, an' pooty soon I heard a commotion. When 
I got ter the door, what d'ye s'pose I see ? 

Bob {loud, shaking head). Don't know. 

Kennison. Wall, sir, Nellie'd been tryin' ter ride that air 
contraption, an' they was daown in the gutter so turribly mixed 
up ye couldn't tell which was which. It cost me thutty dollars 
ter git a new bisuckle. 

Bob {aside). I draw the line at a horse that tries to ride 
bicycles and run automobiles. 

Kennison. Ye donno' half the little sorrel-top's cute tricks 
yit, Mister Turnups. Jest wait till she climbs up inter yer lap 
oncet an'— 



The I^ittle Red Mate. 15 

Bob {interrupting y eyes bulging, very loud). What? Does 
Nellie do that ? 

Kennison. Sartin. She's so 'fectionate she's jest full o' them 
little capers. It'll dew yer soul good when she kisses ye oncet. 

Bob {aside). The old idiot! When Bob Pease lets a horse 
kiss him he'll be deafer than he is now, — and that's impossible. 

Kennison {aside) Gosh! hain't I a slick un tew incourage 
a bashful loveyer ? I've more'n got him a-comin'. Nell's sure on 
him naow. 

Bob {aside). I must ring off on the old duffer; his mare 
won't do for me. {Shouting.) Mr. Keene. 

Kennison. Yaas, Mister Beans. 

Bob {very loud). My name isn't Beans; it's Pease — [shout' 
zng) Pease — Bob Pease. 

Kennison. Wall, no marten What odds does it make 
whether I call ye Beans, Pease or Punkinseeds, long's it's suthin 
that grows ? 

Bob {very loud). I don't want Nellie. 

Kennison {staring, thunderstruck). Wh-wh-why? 

Bob {loud). Oh — her color's bad. 

Kennison. Her feller's mad .? She hain't got none — I mean, 
no other one. ^ 

Bob {shouting). Her color's bad. She's too red. 

Kennison. {eagerly). Her hair hain't red; it's auburn— 
** Sweet Auburn, loveliest village of the plain," as the stoic says. 

Bob {ve?y loud). She isn't fast enough. 

Kennison {positively). By gum, Mister Keys, yeou jest giri 
her a free rein an' she will be. 

Bob {loud). She's too stuck on a bicycle. 

Kennison. Hay? Stuck on an isuckle? 

Bob {bellowing in desperatio7i). No, no, no ! A bicycle. 

Kennison. Oh, a bisuckle ! She hain't teched one sence that 
day I telled ye on, Mister Cheese. 

Bob {aside). How shall I shut old Hayseed off ? I know. {To 
Kennison very loud.) If we trade, you must turn Nellie over to- 
day. 

Kennison {with open mouth, atid bulging eyes). T-turn her 
over ? What for ? 

Bob {ve?y loud). I'm bound to know just what I'm getting. 

Kennison {aside). Gittin' ! Gosh all hemlock ! He's gittin' 
too almighty pertick'lar; that's what he's gittin'. I must consider 
that air condition a little, 'thout I mean ter skeer off the feller with 
the hoss-blanket trousarloons intirely. (T^ Bob.) 'Scuse me jest 
a few minutes ; I got some chores ter dew. I'll be right back. 

[EXIT C. D. 

Bob. I can't make anything out of this deaf old codger. Can 
it be he wants somebody else to get the little red mare and is tak- 
ing this cute way to scare me out } If Nellie is as speedy as they 



IQ The I/ittle Red Mare* 1 

say, I must have her at 'most any price. I'll stay till old ICeene f 

comes back, anyway, and see what comes of it. {S//s.) 

ENTER M'CuLLis Pepperill, r. 

M'CuLLis. I believe my pwospective paw-in-law wanth to 
dwive me off to give thome other man a chanth. (Sees Bob.) 
Hullo ! Who'th the chap in the hall-papaw twoutherloonth } 
May be he"th the fellow. 

Bob {aside). What if this blooming swell is after the little mare, 
too ? If he is, I'll dope his mount and scoop the purse, or I'm no 
jockey. 

M'CULLIS. What might your name be, thir ? 

Bob {grumpily). It might be Dr. Mary Walker — but it isn't. 

M'CULLIS {inildly). No .^ Well, weally, I mithtwuthted it wath 
not by the wathar ecthenthive pattern of your, aw — garmenth. 

Bob {threate7iijigly, rising). Don't you say a word about my 
clothes or I'll put you out of the running. 

M'CULLIS. I don't need to — becauthe they are loud enough to 
thpeak for themthelveth, my fwiend. 

Bob {angrily). I'm not your friend, blast you ! I never saW 
you before. 

VlQ\}IAA% {gently). No? Well, I hope and pway you nevaw 
will again. 

Bob {savagely). Who are you, and what do you want here ? 

M'CULLIS. I'm Mithtaw M'Cullith Peppewill, and I want 
Nellie. Who are you and what do you want } 

Bob. I'm Mr. Bob Pease, and I want Nellie, too, and what's 
more. I'm going to have her. 

M'CULLIS {in consternation, aside). Jutht ath I thought ! I 
mutht dithcouwage him. (7t>BoB.) Mithtaw Keene thayth she 
hath wun away with thwee men alweady. Did you know that ? 

Bob {surprised, aside). Thunder! So she's a bolter. {To 
M'CULLIS.) No ; he merely told me she was mighty fast. 

M'CULLIS {surprised). Fatht .^ Why, he nevaw told me that. 
He did thay she would kick off the hatth of the hired men, though. 

Bob. Gee ! So she's a kicker, too ! That's worse then climb- 
ing up into a man's lap and trying to kiss him. 

M'CULLIS {throwing up /ia?ids, with eyes open and 7nouth bulg- 
ing). What ! Does my chawming Nellie do that } 

Bob. Sure ! The old man just told me that was nothing to 
some of her cute little tricks. What do you say to that, sir } 

M'CULLIS. Thay ? I thay that if Nellie twied to climb into 
your lap and couldn't do it, with all the laddawth on thothe 
twoutherth to help her, she mutht be thpavined worthe than 
Mithtaw Keene thaid she wath. 

Bob {amazed). Spavined .-* Did the old gent tell you Nellie 
was spavined ? 



The I^ittle Red Mare. 17 

M'CULLIS. Yeth, thir; he did. He thaid she had thpavinth on 
both — both — {hesitates)— 

Bob {angrily). And the old swindler told me she was just as 
clean as a whistle. 

M.'C\Jl.l.\s {dt{?}ifounded). Cl-clean ? And ithn't she ? 

Bob. Not if Bob Pease is any judge. 

M'CULLis {aside, wringing hands). Oh, oh, oh! He thayth 
•my Nellie ith dirty. ( To BOB.) No mattaw. I shall take her in 
thpite of evewething. 

Bob {resolutely). No you won't, old hoss ! I'm going to take 
her myself, if she isn't worth a dollar. 

M'CULLis. Oh, give her up, my checkawed fwiend ! " With 
all her faulth I love her thtill." 

Bob {obstinately). I won't give her up. Old Keene said I might 
have her on my own terms, if I would only take her off his hands. 

M'CULLIS {clasping hajids entreatingly). Oh, Mithtaw Peathe ; 
do let me have her. If you don't, my heart will bweak. 

Bob. Let her break, then ; it isn't worth mending. 

M'CULLIS. I shall die if I do not get her ; I know I shall. 

Bob. Flop right down and go at it, then. Let's see how you 
do it. 

M'CULLIS {wringijig hands). Oh! oh! Thith Peathe ith 
hardaw than wockth. 

Bob {savagely). See here, Mr. M'Cullis Pepperill ! I'm going 
to have the little sorrel-top, if I have to knock her on the head as 
soon as I get her. 

M'CULLIS. Knock my Nellie on the head! Oh! oh! {Col- 
lapses and falls i7ito chair.) 

Bob {aside). Now's the time to scare him into fits. {Approach- 
ing M'CULLIS, still more savagely.) Look here, sir ! If you think 
you are going to get that little beast I want you to understand 
you've got Bob Pease to fight. 

M'CULLIS {aside, still more terrified). Fight him ? Fight all 
that thtomach ? How could anybody weach him thwough that 
thtateth-pwithon gwating he'th got .^ {Desperately^^ I'll do any- 
thing, wathaw than have my chawming Nellie knocked in her 
pwetty wed head. {Jumps tip and punches Bob in the stomach.) 

Bob {doubling up, reeling back and groaning as M'CULLIS hits 
him.) 0-00 — ooch ! {Aside, rubbing injury.) There is some 
fight in the little monkey, after all ; he came near busting my biler. 
I shall have to hedge. {To M'CULLIS.) Look here, sir ! Gentle- 
men don't fight with their fists. We must have everything all fair 
and square, so if I kill you they won't make me any trouble. 

M'CULLIS {horrified). K-k-killme.> 

Bob. Sure. I generally kill my man. Now will you fight an 
honorable duel with me, or not } 

M'Cullis {wringing hands, aside). Oh ! oh ! To think of 
being killed in a dooel with a pair of checkawed panth. {Desper* 
2 



18 The I^ittle Red Mare. 

ately.') No mattaw ; I'll do it. I'll do anything to keep my chawm- 
ing Nellie fwom being knocked on the head. 

Bob {aside). He don't wilt yet! (^To M'CULLIS.) What 
shall we fight with ? 

M'CULLIS. Wha-what ? 

Bob. You are the challenged party and it is for you to choose 
the weapons {fiercely^ only let them be something sure and deadly. 

M'CULLIS {timidly). I — if you pleathe, Mithtaw Peathe ; I — I 
think I'll choothe th-thquirt-gunth. 

Bob {savagely). No, sir; that don't go down. You must 
choose something bigger than that. 

M'CULLIS. Well, then, I — I'll choothe — I'll choothe thwashing- 
machineth. 

Bob {furiously). Death and destruction ! Are you trying to 
balk my vengeance, sir ? 

M'CULLIS {hastily). If — if thothe are not big enough I — I'll 
choothe locomotiveth. 

Bob {in a rage, flour ishi7ig fists). Are you trying to make a 
fool of me, sir ? 

M'CULLIS {hastily'). No, no ! I cawn't impwove on the work 
of Nachaw, thir. 

Bob {enraged). Perdition take you ! Mr. M'Cullis Pepperill. 
How are we to fight a duel with locomotives ? 

M'CULLIS {timidly). We — We'll thtand off half a mile apart 
and — and fwow *em at each other. 

Bob {disgusted). Oh, pshaw! Now look here. Just you leave 
this duel to me. 

M'Cullis {relieved). All wight. {Going R.) 

Bob. Here ! Where are you going ? 

M'Cullis. Going to leave the dooel to you, thir. 

Bob. Hold on ! How am I to fight with you if you are not 
here ? 

M'Cullis. I'll jutht go off thomewhere tho I won't bothaw 
you. If you want me when it'th all ovaw, jutht holler and I'll 
come back. {Going.) 

Bob {aside). He's scared so I'll have it all my own way. {To 
M'Cullis.) Come back here, sir ! 

M'Cullis {slowly coming C). Well I what ith it ? 

Bob. We'll arrange our duel this way : You see this ? 
{^Draws huge revoher.) 

M'Cullis {terrified). Ye-yeth, thir. Anybody could thee that, 
unleth he wath vewy neaw-sighted. 

Bob {going to rear, and taking down blunderbuss). And you 
see this blunderbuss ? {Returning C. with it.) 

M'Cullis. Ye-yeth, thir. Anybody could thee that thundaw- 
butht, unleth he wath thtone blind. 

Bob. Very well, then ; we'll fight with these weapons, and the 



Tlie I^ittle Red Mare. 19 

one who lives to be victorious shall have Nellie. Do you agree to 
that? 

M'CULLIS {shaking with fear). Ye-ye-yeth, thir. {Aside.) 
How could I help myself ? 

Bob. All right. Which weapon will you choose? 

M'CULLIS. If — if you pleathe, thir, I — I think I'll take the 
thundawbutht. It lookth ath if I could kill you motht with it. 

Bob {aside). Good! I don't believe it has been loaded for a 
thousand years — and if it has he's too frightened to hit a barn from 
the outside. (To WCVhi^iS, givi^tg blunderbuss.) Take it, then. 
Look out it don't go off and kill you before you get the word. 

M'CULLIS {in extreine terror, holding it at arms length). O- 
o-oh, deaw ! To think of thith piethe of old iron fighting a dooel 
with M'Cullith Peppewill 1 

Bob. Now go over to that side of the room and stand up 
against the wall. {Pointing L.) 

M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. {Goes L., chatterifig with 
terror.) 

Bob. There! Turn round and face me. 

M'CULLIS {chattering). Ye-ye-yeth, thir. {Does so.) 

Bob. Now, I'll go over here and do the same. {Crosses v..) 

M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. 

Bob {aside). I'll shoot to one side so as not to hit him, but 
he'll be so scared I can do anything with him after that. ( To 
M'CULLIS.) I'll count three, very slowly, and we'll fire at the 
third count. Do you understand ? 

M'CULLIS {chattering). Ye-ye-yeth. thir. 

Bob. All right, then. Aim ! {Covers M'CULLIS with re' 
volver.) 

M'CULLIS {ready to collapse 7vith terror and pointing blunder^ 
buss all over stage). Ye-ye-yeth, sir. 

Bob. Ready! {Counts slowly) One! two! three! {Weapons 
go off with terrific noise, just as) 

ENTER Kennison Keene, C. d., iit great haste, right betweeit 

them. 

Kennison {yells). Murder! {Tumbles headlong and drags 
table over on top of him.) 

Bob {horror-stricken). Heavens and earth ! We've killed some- 
body. 

M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. 

Bob {angrily). Stop those fool answers and let's study out some 
way to get out of this scrape. (M'CULLIS still shakes with ter- 
ror). Stop, I say. Are you a blithering idiot ? 

M'CULLIS {chattering). Ye-ye-yeth, thir. 

Kennison {peeping outfrojn tmder table, aside). The mur- 



20 ^lie lyittle Red Mare. 

dering robbers ; they think they've done for me. TheyVe come 
to steal the Httle red mare. 

Bob. Between us, we've laid out old Kennison Keene as stiff 
as a stake. You're to blame for it, confound you ! and you ought 
to be hung for it. 

M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. 

Kennison {aside, peepmg). Why, it's them tew fellers that I 
<saw a little while ago. What was they tryin' ter shewt me for.> 

Bob. Stop that infernal " Ye-ye-yeth-ing " and listen to me. 
Unless we can get away before the old man's body is discovered 
w'e're both in for imprisonment for life, if not for something worse. 

M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir, but — but what can w^e do ? 

Bob. The first thing is to get rid of the corpse. Where can 
we hide it ? 

M'CULLIS {lookifig around ivildly). I — I don't know. {Catches 
sight of coffee-pot.) Let's put it in the coffee-pot. 

Kennison {aside, delighted). Why, I can understand ev'ry 
word. I must hev ben a little hard o' hearin', but them guns hev 
busted suthin so I kin hear better than when I was a goslin*. 
Glory ! 

Bob {disgusted). In the coffee-pot! Can't you think of a 
better place than that .'' 

M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. 

Bob. Where is it, then ? 

M'CULLIS {looks wildly around and catches sight of pepper^ 
box). I — in the peppaw-bokth. 

Bob {snorting). Huh! You're a sharp one. If you ever 
fall down it'll be the end of you ; you'll cut yourself all to pieces. 

M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. 

Bob. We didn't mean to kill the old duffer, now did we ? 

M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. 

Kennison {aside). They didn't mean ter kill me. Mebbe 
I ain't in so much danger, arter all. 

Bob. We were just fighting it out to see which should have 
Nellie ; that was all. 

M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. 

Kennison {aside, delighted). I really can hear. 

Bob. We laid the old man out, though, and all we can do now 
is to hide his body and get. {Pulls table <7^ Kennison.) Grab 
him by the legs while I take the shoulders. We'll take him out 
and chuck him under something. 

M'CULLis {horrified). I — I don't dare touch him. Mithtaw 
Peathe. He — he might kick. 

Kennison {aside). You bet! 

Bob {with co7itempt). Kick! The idea of a dead man kick- 
ing! 

M'CuLLis. Ye-yeth— but thith one d-didn't die qa purpothe. 



The I^ittle Red Mare. 21 

and — and I'd vvather be kicked by two live men than one dead 
one. 

Bob. Well, take his shoulders, then, and I'll take his legs. 
He's got to be carried off some way. 

M'CULLIS {approaching nervously). I— I thpothe tho — b-but 
look, out for hith feet. 

K EN N I SON {aside). You bet ! 

Bob (^/i;^:'//;/^ ^wr Kennison). He hasn't bled any. That's 
lucky. 

M'CULLIS {clasping hands). Oh! it'th dwcadful to cawwy 
one'th paw-in-law that wath to be awound like any othaw dead 
hog. Don't let hith fathe turn toward me or I shall dwop him. 
( They pick hivi up and start R.) 

Bob. No wonder you don't want to catch a squint of that 
phiz ! It was enough to stop a freight-train when he was alive. 

Kennison {ans^rily). Was. hay ? {Kicks Bob in stomach.) 

Bob {grunting). O-oh ! {Drops Kennison's legs and goes 
(Tc'cr backiuard.) 

M'CULLTS {scared). Oh! oh! He'th bewitched! Thith 
dead man ith alive. {Drops Kennison 07i floor.) 

Kennison {groatiing). O — oh! Consarn yer picturs ! I'm 
kilt agin. Ye've broke my back acrost this 'tarnal coffee-pot. 
( Throws it at M'CULLIS.) 

Bob {scramblijig to feci). Run, Pepperill ! I told you better 
than to try and hide him in that. ( They make a break for door, R. ) 

Kennison {snatching up Bob's revolver, scrambling to feet 
and covering them with it). Hold on, thar ! There'll be some 
more shewtin' in a minute ef ye don't come back and ixplain yer- 
selves. Hands up ! 

Bob {in 7nortal terror, coming back with hands up.) E-e-easy 
on her, Mr. Keene. She's got a hair trigger. 

M'CULLIS {turning luith hands up.) D-d-don't shoot, Mithtaw 
Keene. It'th vewy unpleathant to be shot — even by one'th paw- 
in-law that ith to be. 

Kennison. Thar! Stan' still in line, naow. {They line up 
with hands in air.) That's right. Naow what was ye a-fightin' 
over when I come in an' spilet the fun } 

MTuTTTS [ {in quick succession). Nellie! 
Kennison {surprised). Fightin' over Nellie ? Well, what ye 
arter in the fust place ? 

M°CuLL,s| (-^</-0. Nellie! 

Kennison. Then why in thunder didn't ye take what ye come 
arter when I said ye might } 

Bob. You said she Iried to ride bicycles and run automobiles, 
and I was. afraid of her. 

Kennison. An' so she does. 



22 ^lie I^ittle Red Mare. 

M'CULLIS. You thaid she had thpavinth on her — on her — well. 
where they genewally are — and I wath afwaid of her. 

Kennison. An' mebbe she has. 

Bob. D'ye s'pose I want — I wanted Nellie if she was going to 
try to climb in my lap and kiss me, the way you said she would ? 

M'CULLIS. D'you thpothe I wanted her if she would wun away 
with evewy man she could, and bite holeth in me and my twou' 
therth when I wouldn't give her bwan-mash and cawwoth — th^ 
way you thaid she would ? 

Kennison {to Bob). Look a-here, Mister Bob Barley ! Which 
Nellie is it you want ? 

Bob. Why, the little red mare, of course ! 

Kennison. Thunder ! An' which one dew yeou want, Mister 
M'Gillis Pickleoil ? 

M'CULLIS. Why, your little wed-headed daughtaw, of courthe. 

Kennison. Haw, haw, haw ! {Lowers p/stol and laughs up- 
roarwjisly.) Ef this hain't ben a reg'lar Comedy of Errors. Can't 
ye understand .'' I thought yeou (/^ Bob) was arter the gal, an' 
yeou {to M'CuLLis) was arter the mare. Oh lordy ! {Laughs 
again. ) 

Bob. Then the little red mare don't really try to get in folk's 
laps and kiss 'em, because she is so affectionate } 

Kennison. No, no, no; it's t'other Nellie, my red-headed 
darter that tries on them little games. And yeou thought I meant 
the mare ! {Roars.) 

M'CULLlS {eagerly). And your wed-headed daughtaw don't 
weally kick hatth off the hired men ? And she doethn't have 
thpavinth on her — on her — {Hesitates.) 

Kennison. No, no — nor the little red mare, nuther. They're 
both on 'em sound an' all right in wind, limb an' dispersition. I 
was only tellin' ye them fairy tales 'cause I thought ye was arter 
the mare an' I wanted her myself. 

Bob. I'm the chap that wants the little red mare— and I'll give 
you two hundred and fifty dollars for her. 

Kennison. Take her. Mister Fleas; I'm tew glad this shewtin'- 
match turned eout no wuss ter say No tev/ ye — an' ye'll find her 
fast enough, tew. I'll turn her over tew ye ter-night, so ye can 
see jest what yer buyin', then. Haw, haw, haw ! {Laughs.) 

M'CULLIS {timidly). And— and — and can I have the little wed- 
headed daughtaw, Mistaw Keene ? 

Kennison. Sartin, boy, sartin — with her old pa's blessin'. 
She's comin' home ter-night, so I can turn her over ter ye then, 
tev/. Yeou'll find she won't kick yer stummick eout, nor bite yer 
trowsis ef ye don't gin her bran-mash an' carrots, nuther, Mister 
Pimplemill. {Roars again.) 

Bob. I hope you don't bear any hard feelings because of the 
shooting, Mr. Keene } 

Kennison. Not at all. I've no cause ter bear hard feelin's 



The I^ittle Red Mare. 23 

when ye've busted my ears open so wide I can hear everything the 
neighbors are thinkin' 'baout. I'm 'tarnal glad ye did it. 

M'CULLIS, Then thwee cheeaws for the two NelHeth, the wed» 
headed girl and the little wed mare. 

Bob. I'm with you, my boy. Set 'em up. All togethrr, now. 

All (as curtain falls). Hip ! hip ! hooray I 



CURTAIN. 



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A dramatic episode in 1 act, by Taylor Ewen. 5male, 2 female characters' 
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" HIS DINNER FOR TWO ~* 

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A CHANCE AT MIDNIGHT 

A dramatic episode in 1 act, by Charles Stuart. 2 males, 1 female, and a 
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